Tag Archives: hope

Stories

It’s raining.
In our despair,
In our fear of death,
Each of us, all of us,
Individual black holes,
We create stories,
As countless as the stars,
Stories not for entertainment,
Stories to survive,
To march forward to the end.
We craft stories of hope, triumph, of
Good conquering evil,
A beautiful romance,
An inspiring dream.
But today, our stories are failing us.
We have nothing.
And we watch as evil
Devours the most innocent,
As the blood of children
Snake down streets,
Rivers and rivers,
Emptying into ourselves.
We turn to our stories for help,
For a reason, for a purpose,
But we mostly use them
To comfort only ourselves
Amid overwhelming darkness,
Forgetting we are the creators.
We could end all the pain
If only we weren’t so lost
In our stories.

Advertisements

Patience or Waiting to Live?

“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.”
― Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

PATIENCE has been on my mind, its feelers rummaging through my brain, reminding me of its scalding presence in my life. I breathe its stinging fumes in the morning as I awaken and condemn the day before it has even started. My eyes open and I ask myself two obligatory questions, my passwords to re-entering the land of the living:

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

“When will you be okay?”

“I don’t know.”

Cranking all the levers in my mind, body, and soul to attempt interactions beyond mere existence, I wonder if I’m waiting for something good to happen before I can be “okay”.

Sometimes reality is like wading through waist deep Jell-O, the icky kind that reminds you of the gooey part of a skateboarder’s scraped knee. Encased in this blob of never-ending red, time becomes a hundred times slower, and each step I take gets me nowhere closer to my destination. I’m tempted to fall back into the Jell-O, allowing the jiggling clumps to fill my lungs and drown me. But my ambition is stronger than my pain and drags my tired feet forward.

Patience isn’t my friend. We wrestle, argue, and plot to kill each other while the other sleeps. I hate its life lessons because it’s oblivious to the millions of needles stabbing my spine. The pain steals my focus from whatever nugget of supernatural wisdom patience offers its victims. And yet, I endure it, letting it rule my life because without patience, I would be dead.

That’s our pact: I carry you on my back, and you keep me breathing to open my eyes to another day.

Patience isn’t waiting. But I wait anyway, stupidly, like a naïve teenager still checking the chimney for Santa Claus. Waiting is poison, the lesser, weaker form of patience, preying on crushed hearts too jittery and scared to succumb to the deep cuts of patience.

I wait for no one and nothing. I wait for everyone and everything. I wait, contradicting myself over and over, bumping my sound philosophies against my irrational fears. I’m a walking storm, full of tornadoes, hurricanes, and tsunamis on the inside, but a fragile façade of calmness and forced cheeriness on the outside.

I wait, losing time in the present, forgetting to live, experiencing every cell in my body age, die, get replaced, repeat. Clouds race in maddening speed overhead; the sun and moon rise and set, circling like the braying horses on a merry-go-round. Life fast-forwards around me while I’m stuck trudging through nasty, red Jell-O.

Patience isn’t peace, but like patience, peace is a choice. Patience hurts. Peace doesn’t. When I run out of time, peace smothers my irrational fears, barring them from transforming into the debilitating lies posing as truths intent on ripping my sanity to shreds. Patience helps me bear the torture, allowing me to stay conscious for every sadistic twist and stab of the knife.

I hate patience, but without it, I could never be a writer, and writing is the lifeblood of my existence. So patience and I have been intricately linked since I started writing stories at eight. When I sit to work on a novel or a short story, more so a novel, I can’t rely on motivation and discipline alone. Something much more significant, much more profound and powerful, carries me from the first line to the final word, from one round of edits to the final round, from idea to creation. Hope, the child of patience.

Although I work hard to keep it at bay, I love hope. It’s a tiny gem, not worth a prolonged glance, but it has enough strength to pull more than 80,000 words from the stormy mess that’s my mind. I can’t harness the power of hope without accepting the pain of patience. Hope keeps me human while patience wards off the beast. There’s a difference. Trust me. I give up a million times in my head, wishing I could hang up the NO VACANCY sign on my body. Please look elsewhere to affirm your existence. So many things I want to say, but I can’t because I’m a highly functioning human being. It’s naïve, but hope seasons the bland tasks of operating through this life, through adulthood.

The dangerous side of patience is daydreaming, the enticing promises we whisper to ourselves, the melting of reality for the sweet core of fantasy. I live half my life in a daydream, setting my mind free and wild to conjure the most pleasurable experiences and adventures. I dance in my room and the kitchen to music only I can hear, to beats others would find too abrasive or weird. Everybody should dance no matter their ability; sometimes only our bodies can express the feelings overwhelming our hearts.

The fantasy is addictive, like sugar, cocaine. Feels good but will destroy the body and mind in time. Too bad it thrives best in the hardest swells of patience, in the moments when life’s the tightest, most constricting, most painful. Sometimes fantasy’s everything keeping me dancing. But it’s not hope. Fantasy is a big, beautiful diamond, yet useless, empty, a precursor to deep disillusionment, cynicism, and stubborn darkness. I indulge in fantasy while knowing its true face and lies. If I don’t rip my fingers away from its grip, no writing gets done because writing lives in the realm of reality.

I’m a creative so my whole life is patience. I hate it but my hands fit in all its curves and grooves in ways more intimate than an eager lover. I’m not patience’s slave nor its owner; we live organically as two separate entities bound until death—for as long as I plan to be a writer.

What’s your relationship with patience? I’d love to know your thoughts in the comment section below. And don’t forget to share if you liked this post.

Featured image: Aeonium by Russ Mills aka Byroglyphics. Purchase the image here. 

It’s Just Another Bad Day

I was feeling pretty bad this morning, unable to do anything productive and feeling like a loser. I listened to this song (Good Days Will Come by Funk DL) to cheer me up and ended up with a poem in my head. So of course I had to write it down.

Here’s the link to the song: Good Days Will Come

Here’s the poem I wrote.

It’s Just Another Bad Day

They come down hard like summer rain
When the sky is blue and shining.
They’re all claws out into my heart,
Makin’ it hard to feel these rays
From a sun, saying, hey, it’s another day
Get up and do what you’ve got to do.
But man, oh man, it’s so hard to move
In the way my dreams intended.
The map’s up there in my head,
My GPS’s all locked and loaded,
But it suffers from deep malfunction.
And it’s because of their erosion.
With their ropes all over my body,
They pull the strings and nothing gets done.
They pull the strings and nothing gets done.

So I close my eyes and say,
It’s just another bad day.
It’s just another bad day.
It’s just another bad day.

So I close my eyes and say,
It’s just another bad day.
It’s just another bad day.
It’s just another bad day.

I have a beat to keep pressing on.
It’s just another bad day.
My soul hasn’t walked and gone away yet
And I’ve got these lives to save.
I’ve got these hands to build
With no time to be at my grave.
Maybe tomorrow it’ll all be over.
Maybe tomorrow the rain will stop.
And the rainbow will be enough.
And the rainbow will be enough.

So I close my eyes and say,
It’s just another bad day.
It’s just another bad day.
It’s just another bad day.

So I close my eyes and say,
It’s just another bad day.
It’s just another bad day.
It’s just another bad day.

Hope you enjoyed it!

Stay amazing,

Samantha

How to Find the Light in the Persistent Darkness of Your Soul

always_a_dreamer__by_zeus1001-d61oyoc
“A man must dream a long time in order to act with grandeur, and dreaming is nursed in darkness.” – Jean Genet

I’m a dark person. It’s not that I’m depressed or mostly negative. I’m simply dark. I don’t like to smile a lot. I think too deeply about things. My mind finds comfort in getting wrapped around my untold stories. The sadness and pain of this world deeply pierces my soul and thinking. I’m the kind of person who dislikes being told to be happy or to smile. I live in a reality shrouded in darkness, but I’m not unhappy. I’m actually quite hopeful and optimistic. I believe in miracles and magic. I trust love prevails over all things.

I don’t like connecting with everyone I meet. It takes energy. Sometimes too much for me to handle. I take solace and pleasure in time spent alone. Being with people for far too long drains me unlike anything I know. I’m a loner. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. This doesn’t mean I don’t want and need human contact. I do. Just not all the time. If I want to function for the next several days, I need to have my alone time.

Explaining this darkness to myself has never been easy, so I feel it’s almost impossible to explain it here without sounding like I’m suffering from sort of severe depression. I’m not. However, in this dark world of mine, it’s necessary to find some light because I do stand on a thin line where I can teeter into soul-sucking, depression-filled darkness. To stop myself from overstepping that boundary, I search for the light inside my persistent darkness.

But finding the light takes work.

The first thing I do is talk kindly to myself.

I tell myself a lot of self-affirming statements to keep exaggerated negativity at bay. I tell my self I’m strong, I’m powerful, I’m incredible, I’m amazing. I can achieve anything I conceive in my mind. I just need to act. And not be afraid of the results.

The result isn’t the most important thing. The process is.

Focusing on the process helps a lot. I focus on the joy and bliss that comes from creating worlds. I dive in the pleasure that comes from making characters do what I desire. My mind explodes with energy from this creative process. Energy from my creative spirit.

Image courtesy of taoty at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of taoty at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I tap into the light of my creative spirit.

This light keeps me from sinking into the bad darkness, the darkness that rips souls apart and infests the mind with hope-eating bacteria. The darkness that makes death beautiful, appealing, and even necessary. The light from the creative spirit chases away the bad darkness and provides the oil for burning my passion for one more day. For one more month. For one more lifetime.

I create even when I don’t want to.

Sometimes I don’t want to create anything in the physical world. I don’t want to write because the darkness is too deep. I prefer to create in my mind. The worlds arise and people move inside these worlds, talking, walking, alive within a story. It’s perfect in my mind, and I want to stay up there. Sometimes for a long time. But the mind is not enough. The real world is waiting outside. I need to bring the mind and reality together, and that takes work.

So I create even when I don’t want to. I start and once I do, everything comes together.

Revel in the creation.

I love what I create even when I know it stills needs work. I revel in what I’ve brought forth with my mind. Nothing makes me feel more human. More alive then knowing my work is talking, interacting, making decisions, dreaming, experiencing failure and lost, and healing from wounds.

Remember, it’s okay to feel.

One thing I tell myself to do is to feel whatever dark emotions are swirling inside me. I let them run their course. I don’t suppress them. It’s when they’re out in the open that I can attack them, deconstruct them, minimize them, and make them as insignificant as dust. And then, I blow them away and keep on going.

1779097_762126683825304_340084144445753404_n
“What makes night within us may leave stars.” – Victor Hugo, Ninety-Three

I am what I think in my mind.

The future isn’t far off. The future is now. I am now. The most important thing to remember is the present moment is everything. Whatever I say I am in my mind is who I am. I am alive. I am incredible. I am powerful. I am capable of being healed. I am capable of healing others. I am learning, growing, and becoming a better version of me because I want to. I am who I say I am.

How do you find the light in your darkness? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Stay amazing,

Samantha

 

If you found this article interesting or helpful in any way, please share it by using the share buttons below. Thanks!

Be sure to look out for my e-book, The Passionate Dreamer’s Notebook: For Those Who Refuse to Quit, coming out soon! 

Is it Wrong to Follow Your Passion?

“Define success in your own terms, achieve it by your own rules, and build a life you’re proud to live.” – Anne Sweeney

Graduations evoke a myriad of emotions such as joy, relief, pride, triumph, completion, and anticipation for the next phase in life. Thousands of fresh bloods are and will be listening to speeches inspiring and encouraging them to make the world a better place, to build something of value, or to be aware of their true selves and that of the people around them and beyond among many other pieces of counsel.

Counsel is needed because real world out there isn’t a pretty place, a truth that can sometimes be forgotten in the insular walls of academia. Our world is a tough, ugly reality where dishonest and ruthless people prey on the vulnerable and amass exorbitant riches by stepping on the necks of the exploited and oppressed, using their backs as stairs for selfish and greedy ambition. It’s a world where we continue to be deaf to the cries of those in the desert advocating for our environment, the poor, the abused, the conquered, and the violated. It’s a world with much darkness, but also with countless potential for light if we look carefully enough.

#Bratislava_new_SND_late_evening_4
“There is a crack in everything.That’s how the light gets in.” ― Leonard Cohen

Sooner or later in this life, for those of us who are lucky enough to have options, we have to make a choice about the kind of life we wish to live on this Earth. Will we be the bolts keeping the Machine alive and running as we live from paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet? Will we pursue lucrative careers to be financially set and secure for the rest of our days and maybe even until our grandchildren’s days? Or will we be different and be among the few who make the bold, oftentimes risky decision to forgo the status quo and societal conventions to pursue our passions?

Pursuing a passion is serious business. It’s not a romance or a fantasy of instantly making millions or living a blissful life on a private island somewhere in the Pacific. Passion involves deeply strong feelings, brutal honesty, fire, sweat, grit, and a whole lot of work, along with shouldering the ridicule and doubt that may come from family, friends, and yes, even from ourselves.

So, is it wrong to follow after our passion and let it lead our lives? Here are four questions to help us get closer to the answer.

  1. Am I willing to endure suffering for a period of time for my passion?

First of all, what is passion? The Merriam Webster dictionary describes it as a strong feeling or excitement for something or about doing something. The word passion originates from the Latin word passio, meaning suffering, along with the Latin word pati, meaning to suffer.

sailing_ship
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. — Helen Keller

When we’ve made the choice to pursue our passion, it’s guaranteed we will endure discomfort of varying degrees in more ways than one whether it’s emotional, physical, or financial. Our relationships might also hurt if we’re surrounded by loved ones and mentors who don’t support our decisions to pursue our passions because in their eyes our pursuits appear misguided, risky, or, every critic’s favorite word, unrealistic.

How many times have I heard that one and its other variations?

Get your head out of the clouds

Come down to earth.

Put your feet on the ground.

Countless times, but I’m receiving a lot less of these sayings lately because it’s become apparent to the people close to me that I’m not giving up on doing what I love and can never let go of despite failing on numerous occasions: writing.

If we make an honest self-evaluation of ourselves and realize we’re not made to endure any particular type of suffering for a period of time, which could be long or short term depending on a lot of factors like our mindset or work ethic, then pursuing our passion may not be the best way to go in our lives.

  1. Do I have a strong purpose guiding my life?
Planet
“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.” ― Gautama Buddha

Moving away from cold dictionary definitions, passion has other meanings, especially when it’s intertwined with business, art, technology, social work, or any other endeavor stirring within a person’s mind. I like John Hagel’s description of passion as a force orienting us in a specific direction, giving us focus. Suzanne Fetting describes it as the alignment of our actions with our authentic selves. I say passion is obsession—a crazy energy within us desperately needing to manifest itself through our work, or else it will consume us. The source of this energy is one’s purpose.

Some use this energy from an early start, others get to it later, but it’s definitely within each person whether awake or dormant. Where does this purpose come from? From knowing the authentic self. What is the authentic self? It is awareness of the thoughts occupying our minds most of the time, the ideas making us excited about life and its potential, and the vision we have for how the world could be if we had all the resources available at our disposal. It’s filtering out the voices of our parents, family, friends, teachers, experts, and society until we’re left with the kernels of our own voices, our own desires, hopes, and dreams. It’s knowledge of who we really are when we’re alone.

By understanding our authentic selves, we can tailor our purpose precisely to our passions. Celestine Chua provides a series of questions worth answering if we’re serious about understanding who we are.

If we’re thinking about pursuing our passions without a clear idea of who we are, or if we’re unwilling to do the work of self-introspection, then we might as well be signing up for a journey of wasted hours and endless frustration.

  1. Am I willing to put faith and trust into the unknown?
_DSC0255-2
“Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Some people get stuck on evidence, and won’t invest in anything unless they can see real results right away. This makes perfect sense. Who wants to waste money, time, and energy on a project yielding little to no real results? It’s one of the reasons why many of us work for reliable jobs that give us paychecks: real money dispensed into our accounts at specific times. This is comfort. This is security. This is stability. Therefore, it’s easy to believe in what is known and predictable. All power to people who desire predictable lives. No judgment here whatsoever. One of my favorite sayings is you do you.

However…

Following our passion is the opposite of this. If our passion is to create something that will change the world, how the world thinks or uses something, or how the world consumes knowledge or entertainment, or offer the world new stories, art, technology, or give whatever it is we have cooking up in our minds to benefit people, AND make a living from it, then we must embrace uncertainty and have faith.

We don’t know how it will happen; we just believe it will happen. We have faith in ourselves and in the universe to deliver whatever is we want to see happen, all while working on hard on our endeavors, of course.

I2jSl8WO
“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.” ― Tom Hiddleston

If we’re unable to trust in the unknown and believe that things will end up being more than okay, then we should look to other more predictable and safe paths.

  1. Does perseverance flow in my blood?
startup-593336_1280
“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

More than in any other time, our present world pays homage to instant gratification and access. The precipitous rise of technology continues to cut down the time for receiving items and getting services done. Who has time to wait anymore? With our phones already becoming extensions of our bodies, we have quick access to anyone and anything, and get upset over simple things like late text replies.

Patience, persistence, and perseverance are dying, and experts are concerned that school children are lacking grit. These three Ps must make up the internal vocabulary of any soul pursuing a passion. Passion cannot live without perseverance; I’d go as far to say that passion doesn’t exist without perseverance. When pursuing passions, we’re in it for the long haul and patience grows and becomes a fiber of our being.

ocean-168133_1280
“Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force but through persistence.” ― Ovid

That’s not to say we keep doing the same things over and over with no results forever and ever. No, because we are passionate, we are willing to learn from mistakes and others and change courses to get to our destinations and beyond. Hagel describes this type of passion as the passion of the explorers. People with this sort of passion are not focused on the particulars of how something will be done, but rather the big picture, knowing many paths exist toward the vision in their minds.

If we can’t imagine ourselves sticking to something for the long-term and developing the mental fortitude it takes to keep at our passion while ignoring side-eyes and whispers from people who think you’re crazy or obsessed, then we should opt for a career where patience and perseverance can take a seat.

Following your passion is a serious decision.

Many times we hear people throw out expressions like “Follow your heart!” or “Do something you’re passionate about!” or “Go after your dreams!”

To the naïve mind, these phrases sound sweet and enticing, possibly conjuring up images of an easy life without much work. ‘Easy’ is a foreign word to those following their passions. Short-cuts, cheat codes, and other quick schemes to produce the fruits of passion almost always lead to disappointments, lost, frustrations, and desires to give up right away.

This isn’t meant to turn people away from going after what makes their hearts sing early in the morning. We need an honest picture from time to time of how life is before we make a big decision affecting our lives in so many different ways.

I will end with this, however. You’ll never know until you try.

“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.” ― John Greenleaf Whittier
“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.” ― John Greenleaf Whittier

How about you? What other questions should we ask before we decide to follow our passion? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Stay amazing,

Sammy

If you found this article interesting or helpful in any way, please share it by using the share buttons below. Thanks!

Be sure to look out for my e-book, The Passionate Dreamer’s Notebook: For Those Who Refuse to Quit, coming out soon!